Another Side of Dutch - Exchange report

The sentiment we have towards Netherlands is not a pleasure feeling. We tend to reminisce the Dutch as “the colonialist”. History books potray them as evil villains that invaded us, colonized us for 3,5 centuries, forced us to work by implementing Cultuurstelsel and they still tried to takeover Indonesia after we proclaimed our Independence.

But, is that all about them?

Let’s put aside the historical knowledge that imprints us any discontent nostalgia and step back to see where they are now. Netherlands is ninth best country to live, according to Forbes, and is one of a few countries that have best healthcare in the world. After the health reform in 2016, everyone is obliged to have medical insurance provided by multiple private insurers. This ensures the universal health coverage to all people.

Netherlands is also home of some of the best universities in the world. University of Amsterdam, Erasmus Unviersity Rotterdam, and University of Groningen, to name a few. And this october, I was lucky to be given a chance to experience a clerkship in University of Groningen - university that raised Bernard L. Feringa, one of this year chemistry nobel winners – in department of my interest, Anesthesiology.

My time in Groningen taught me that Anesthesiology is an art to put people at ease with the most efficient way by paying attention to the patients’ well-being. It may sound simple, but there is more to that than meets the eye. Anesthesiology is not a template, which you give the same dosage of anesthestics to all of the patients. Anesthesiology is not the act of God by controlling the patients’ life and death. It’s an art, to find the harmony between what is needed and demanded by the patients and the surgeons.

During my 4 weeks of clerkship, I learned that the patients’ comfort and safety should always be the main priority. To ensure those achieved, they have everything disposable - even the laryngoscope blade and the cauter - and latex free. The patients are put in a very comfortable position and they also protect every pressure point so the patients don’t feel stiff and pain from maintaining abnormal posture during the surgery. They dont even start preparing the surgery instruments before the patients are put into sleep, or patients’ view are blocked during local or regional anesthesia to prevent unnecessary nervousness felt by the patients.

And by no means abandoning your own. My supervisor told me, “Always wear gloves when you touch the patients. They help to prevent diseases transmitted between you and the patients. And wear the mask, even just for waking up the patients. It protects you from them coughing on your face.” It’s always better to be safe than sorry.

The Dutch themselves are good people, if not the best people you hope to work with. I was often greeted by ‘Hi’, ‘Goede morgen’ or ‘Goede dag’ depending the time of the day, a habit that we dont often see anymore in the big cities in Indonesia. The staff were also very helpful during my stay. They taught me and answered to my questions without making me feeling inferior. But their friendliness is entirely professional. They wont interact with you beyond the necessary.

They are also tolerant. I was taken aback by their perfect english, the proof of their tolerance to the non-dutch speaking people. And their tolerance doesn’t stop there, they even take care of each other during the operation. I was surprised to find my self reminded by the staff to take a break or to have lunch. One time, my supervisor even ordered me to ‘drink something’ because i refused to get out of OR (not the usual order you will hear in Indonesia).

Another thing I noticed was, the Dutch love orderliness (to the point that makes me think that all people here are somewhat obsessive compulsive). There is a need to have rules for everything, an urge to organize things in a way (that’s how we got our complex bureaucracy system), a desire to have routinity. The day starts with morning report that takes place at 7.30 in the Dormitorium and the operation ends at 16.00. If an OR finishes the operations earlier than expected, operation from another OR will be taken over. And if it continues past the office hour? Don’t worry. There are evening shift staff that will replace you.

Although they like to classify things, there wasn’t a marked hierarchy i encountered. Everybody is the same. We wear the same white coat, the same green or white suits. You really cant tell which are professors, doctors, nurses, residents, or co-assistants without the pass card. Even the pass card doesnt tell much about someone, it only provides the name – without the title - of a person and their profession. They dont have a boss, but a leader. The nurses can even make decision. I often saw nurses administering medication without the presence or approval of anesthesiologists.

But it doesnt mean i didn’t face any discrimination. I did feel i was treated differently, largely due to my inability to speak dutch (which i didn’t blame them for it. It was my fault not to learn it. Maybe if i could speak a little bit Dutch, we would’ve easily engaged in a discussion that would’ve made them trust me more, which would’ve lead to them letting me practice more. Language is power). But it was only minor, so it could be ignored. Nevertheless, it was still a remarkable learning process to experience both knowledge and cultural exchange. This program has also convinced me to take the path of anesthesiologist as my future career choice.

Did I enjoy my time in Groningen? Yes, so much. Groningen is a beautiful place with cycling as the main transportation. The centrum is not big and easily accessible by all transportations. There are so many places to visit that i haven’t discovered all of them. And if people ask me whether i miss it, I’ll say yes, i do, very much. I’d like to feel again the cold breeze slapping my face, the numbness on my fingers while i cycle around the city of Groningen, a place where i felt at home while away from home.

Pesan

Dalam hidup, ada dua hal yang harus kita pertimbangkan. Nasib dan usaha. Dan sebagian besar hidup diatur oleh nasib. Kadang kita merasa sudah berusaha keras, tapi nasib berkata lain. Atau sebaliknya.

Ada hal yang kusesali dalam hidup ini, yaitu usaha. Aku tidak benci kepada takdirku. Menurutku, Tuhan mencipta menurut kadar masing-masing. Ada orang yang emang dilahirkan besar tanpa berusaha, ada orang yang dilahirkan kecil atau sederhana tapi bisa menjadi besar juga dengan usaha. Hakikatnya, yang besar membantu yang kecil. Tapi hakikat bukanlah realita. Yang besar dari lahir, karena tidak pernah berusaha tidak tahu rasanya berbuat besar. Sebaliknya yang kecil, karna selalu berusaha, akhirnya lama-lama menjadi orang besar juga, bahkan lebih besar daripada orang yang besar dari kecil. Intinya, tuhan itu menurutku adil.

Tidak selamanya takdir mengatur kita. Ada kalanya usaha kita mengatur takdir. Mungkin kita dilahirkan dengan nasib jelek, tapi karna kita berusaha akhirnya menjadi bagus. Walau begitu, tetap banyak orang yang menyalahkan nasib. Karena nasib memang tidak gampang diubah. Butuh usaha keras untuk melakukannya.

Dan itulah yang kusesali. Aku telat menyadarinya. Seumur hidupku, usaha yang kuberikan selalu setengah-setengah. Karena menurutku, untuk apa melakukan lebih jika hidup kita bergantung dari nasib yang diberikan tuhan? Hanya membuang-buang tenaga.

Aku menghabiskan seluruh hidupku dengan melakukan hal yang setengah-setengah. Akhirnya aku pun hidup pas-pasan. Aku tetap bersyukur. Walau kerap aku menyalahkan takdirku, aku tetap bersyukur karena aku tidak kekurangan.

Kini dipenghujung hidupku, penyesalanku datang terlambat. Kini yang bisa kulakukan hanya melanjutkan hidupku, menghabiskan waktu hingga akhir datang menjemput. Jika ada kehidupan kedua atau ketiga, aku tidak harap untuk mendapat nasib baik. Namun, aku berharap aku mengingat kesalahanku yang sekarang dan merubahnya. 

Dalam renungan yang berulang, hidup dalam kenangan

Tadi malam aku memimpikannya. Kali pertama dia merasuk ke dalam tidurku, walau hampir tiap hari aku memikirkannya, merindukan keberadaannya.

Tapi mimpi itu aneh. Kau datang menemuiku, tapi kau bilang kau ada tugas. Lalu kau pergi lagi setelah berpamitan. Kau berjanji akan menemuiku lagi jika waktunya ada.

Sekian waktu berlalu, dia tak kunjung datang. Walau dia tetap memberi kabar, yang kuinginkan adalah hadirnya disampingku. Aku memutuskan untuk membezuknya.

Kau bilang kau senang. Kau katakan akan menungguku di stasiun. Tapi yang kutemui hanya supir. Ya, kau sibuk dan aku akan diantar ke tempat tinggalmu. Seperti zaman dulu saja.

Lalu semua mulai kabur. Mimpi itu hilang. Tidak ada lagi dia dengan senyumnya. Tapi yang paling kusuka adalah matanya. Besar dan berbinar. Membuat orang, setidaknya diriku merasa diterima.

Bahkan dimimpi pun aku tidak bisa bertemu lagi dengan kau. Kau dan sikapmu yang manis. Membuatku senang. Mungkin memang seperti ini jalannya.

Tidak perlu kuyakinkan diriku itu hanya mimpi. Karna kita bahkan tidak saling sapa. Cuma aku yang begini. Dia merasapun tidak. Tapi aku harap dia bahagia disana.

Lepas kekang, hidup tenang, lupakan sejenak dan nikmati hidupmu. Kau berhak.

Malam sebelum larut, Klaten - 25/11/2016

Jurnal Gadis yang Tersesat - Last Day

Farewell always hurts
Like broken hearts
Ending their time

Its the end of journey
Bidding good byes
To people and the stay stills

It's time to split ways
To continue the life left behind
And face back reality

It was a pleasure to meet you
Getting on my days to see you
Laughing my ways to be with you

We've bidden our farewells
You and me, hand to hand
A perfect ending

I dont wish to meet you
Not the same twice
But hope to see you again, one day

Groningen, i'm going to miss you
You
And everything in it

From Groningen with Love - home away from home - on my way back to place like home
2/11/16 - 11:16 am

Jurnal Gadis yang Tersesat - day of arrival

Finally! After 13 hours flight (with 7 hours spent by sleeping, 2.5 by watching running man, and 3.5 by eating) i arrived in amsterdam. The flight was enjoyable, i sat beside a woman from den haag (or the haag). She said she was having a holiday in Indonesia.

The first thing that i noticed, people were super tall.  I was like a dwarf. And all of them spoke very good english. I would have no problem!

I was afraid i would be banned or discriminated because i wore hijab, but i wasnt. The officer was nice. He asked me the standard questions, like what i did in netherlands, for how long, and what i studied, and asked me to show my invitation and recommendation letter and that was all.

The airport was really big. It had 30 luggage belt with one belt was as big as my campus basketball field. They even had Victoria Secret store outside the terminal.

I was picked up by a student of UMCG, the university i will do my exchange. To go to groningen, the only comfortable and close way was by train for 2 hours ride. The price was 26.7 € which wasnt cheap compared to Indonesia train with longer destination. Appearantly, there is discount card if you live in Netherlands. And if you are a student, you can even get a special price and discount. You can choose between gratis weekday ticket or gratis weekend ticket and outside that time, you get 40% off. And remind me, what was the benefit of being a student in Indonesia?

My pickup was really nice! She told me she had to ride on her bike at 5.15 in the morning, and then took a train for 2 hours in order to pick me up at 8.15. Wow. Me? I'd prefer my morning beauty sleep, thank you. She showed me where i could by sim card, (i had to spend 30 € for a sim card! With only 1 gb data plan and 15,5 € phone credit. I figured I wouldnt need the phone credit if I had Internet (and its Netherlands. They wouldnt have internet breakdown, would they?). I could just use whatsapp to call anyone. So i transfered my phone credit to my data plan. At this time, i miss Indonesia. (65.000 rupiah for 14 gb!) And water (seriously, a bottle of water 600 ml costs more than a card box of 1 L milk! 1.75 € and 0.99 €).

We chatted a little bit at the bus terminal and the train. She told me she just graduated from bachelor (or S.Ked in Indonesia). So she still had 3 years more of study which consisted of, 2 years clinical rotation and a half year research, and another half a year to do pre-residential thing (she could choose any department she wanted at anywhere in the world to deepen her knowledge about her department of interest. Things like that). Ah, how convenient!

When i stepped out of the train, the cold wind slapped my face. It was 7 celcius and a little bit raining. But i kinda like the cold though. It was refreshing. From groningen station to my housing, i have 2 choices, either by bus or a cab. She suggested i should take a cab, but i told her i wanted to try the bus. She worried i would miss my stop and i had to walk for hours ( she didnt come with me). Being a stubborn i prefered bus with all the risks.

The driver was nice. He asked me where i live,  and told me where the stop. He would even remind me if the bus reached my stop (he spoke a very good english)

Here in Netherlands (not just Netherlands i think), pedestrian has a right of way, meaning they are the king of the street. All vehicles (bicycles, motorcycles, cars and even the busses!) have to stop whenever they spot a pedestrian trying to cross the road. And being my first time seeing this, i compared it to Indonesia, our reaction to pedestrians (yes, i'm also the guilty part) would be "this is no road for weakling like you". Haha

I live in kajuit (its pronounced as Kayāt) so from Groningen station I had to take bus at platform J, bus number 3 and stop at Lewenborg terminal. Now finding the number was the problem and google maps didnt help either. Thank god, i aggreed to  buy a sim card. I called my house owner, and she picked me up. Appearantly, i just missed one block.

My landlady was having a meeting (its "pengajian") so we didnt chat much at first. After all people gone, i talked to her and her family. She had been here fpr 2 years to take master at RuG and her husband worked in Netherlands (i forget the name of the company). She had a cute 3 year old daughter. She just went back from hajji, and her mother and aunt are here to visit her. And her mother is from West Sumatera!

I cycled a bit around my neighbourhood in the afternoon, but it rained so i went home, ate my dinner and laid down for a while. Before i knew, the night has changed to morning

Tekad - Metamorfosis (Franz Kafka)

Franz Kafka - Metamorfosis

Jika saja, keluar dari kesedihan segampang ini, hanya dengan tekad dan keberanian untuk memperbaiki diri. Jika saja, dengan memanggil teman-teman dan membiarkan mereka bersuka ria dan mengoceh mengenai kegembiraan atau kemarahan mereka. Bukankah semua itu akan lebih mudah? Tidak akan ada yang namanya "pesakitan jiwa". Hanya pikiran-pikiran kusut dan hati yang perlu ditata. Namun, bukankah itu malah membuat keadaan lebih buruk? Bagaimanapun, menikmati rasa sedih itu sendiri merupakan suatu proses agar bisa bergerak maju melupakan yang sudah-sudah. Hanya masalah waktu yang bisa menghapus kenangan, hingga terasa siap menyongsong hari yang lebih cerah.

Ignorance is a bliss

When i was a kid, I used to like riding my bike in the afternoon. I liked feeling the cold wind hitting on my face, causing friction against my body as i pedalled faster and faster while looking at the blue sky, wondering how i could win against the cloud. And if i got exhausted, i would stop and looked at the sky, wondering how i could reach it. Then i would race to the highest place i could find, stacked blocks of stone to make my self a safe standing place without injuring my body and raised my hands trying to touch the fluffy clouds. Then, I would be curious why the sky went higher, and wonder whether the sky was mad at me for trying to do that. But it didnt stop me. I pondered what went wrong, and came to conclusion that i should become taller or go to the end of the world and see my self if there was any sort of bridge that connected this world and the sky. I couldnt get taller anytime soon, i had to wait years for that, so at that time i thought my only choice was the latter. I would go to the farthest place i knew, but i always got scared if i couldnt find a way home. Then i would come home while feeling disappointed from failing a mission, and decided myself i should try again tomorrow and travel further than i could today.

Whenever i talked to myself, i used to wonder if other people did it too. "Do they also talk like this to themselves or is it only me talking like this?" But i never once spoke to anyone about this. I guess i was afraid to be called lunatic if i were the only person who had conversation with their own mind. So everytime this question came into my mind, i always shrugged it off, and told my self that i would know the answer eventually, perhaps when i got older.

There were times when i was really curious about my existence. My favourite concern was "how do i know if i'm talking to myself?" I always asked how i could prove that my mind is mine, how i could know that it was not someone else's mind who got stuck in my body and whether i was talking to my mind, and not to someone else's. What was the purpose of thinking to your ownself, was it to prove your own existence to your own mind? Or stuff like that. And everytime i had this trail of thought, there wasnt any respond or direct answer about my inquiries, so i knew right away that i was talking to myself, the question that popped up in my thought was from my very own mind, and i talked to myself to prove that i was the owner of this body and mind.

But the question didnt stop there. I wanted to know if i could do it in someone else's body. Whether it was possible to enter someone else's body and live their life. Whether we could do soul or body swap or whether we could transplant mind and soul just like how we transplant an organ. These questions led to another, like how we were chosen to be put into this body and live this life. Whether there were any criteria to be born, like how we ended up being a girl or a boy, or the race and nationality and whether we were given choices what life and body we wanted before we were coming into life, that sort of thing. And i thought it would be unfair to just have one life. I mean, what if someone was born with dissability, or into a poor family? Everyone should be able to experience the ups and downs of life.

I didnt try to find the answer. Maybe because part of me knows what it was, and part of me wanted to be blinded. But it was always nice thinking about it. I would play the game, "if i were". My favourite was  becoming an incredibly rich person so i could build shelter to every poor and dissable person on the planet and give them education so that they could live the life they wanted. And i always wondered whether other people thought the same way as i did and how it would be nice if we did, so we could make this place a better place and all people would be equally happy to accept any life they were assigned to.

At that time, i thought if i wanted to know the answers to all my questions then i should grow up. I realized i was still young, and adults would only answer it in an easy way. Even if they told me the truth, my mind wouldnt be able to comprehend it, so i hoped my ten-years-later would understand. I didnt really want to grow up though. I realized the responsibility that comes with older age was a pain in the ***, and i would love to forever avoid it.

And now in my 21-soon-to-be-22 years old mind, looking back at my 16-or-so-years-old younger me, i wish i could turn back the time, and stay kids forever. I miss my innocence and ignorance. Worrying nothing, wondering things i shouldnt have. I really want to turn back to the time when imagination was a hope, not just another daydreaming.

Under the blanket

I'm hiding under the blanket
To protect myself from the monsters
All around me, they are in many forms
But can it protect me from the monster inside?

The void i'm living
The nought that surrounds me
The hollow i'm currently reside
Can the blanket fill it with its presence?

The emptiness takes form
Trying to fill the blank with its substance
Like a gravity, it attracts the space
Can the blanket contain it?

The emptiness keeps growing
Like the air, it doesnt hold a shape
Like the air, you keep breathing in
Can the blanket substitute it?

The emptiness gains more power
Like poisonous gas, it strangles you
Cutting loose the force within you
Can the blanket prevent it?

The emptiness takes control
Over your mind echo, over your voice sound
Like a toy it makes you, you become paralyzed
Can the blanket save you?

Now the emptiness has a figure
Holding you hostage like a robot
It takes after you, gaining access of you
The seed is planted becoming you

I'm hiding under the blanket
Over the fear of the monster inside
But can the blanket fill in
The emptiness it has caused?

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