Wednesday, May 31, 2023

Which is more overrated, emotion or logic? Are they forever enemies? or can they reciprocate the difference?

This year, 2023, no, I should have said 2022 and 2023 are some of the best years of my life. Not only because I am able to study the subject that I have been really passionate about in a country that I have been wanting to visit for a long time, but also I learn a lot, more, great deal about life, emotion, personal development, friendship, and my own self in general.


Am I exaggerating? Perhaps, but not quite. I must say, that the experiences I have had so far in my time in London, or, in UK generally, teach that, really, “Be careful what you wish for.” Because that’s exactly what I did. Wishing for different experience that I would ever get in Indonesia, but yeah, I got the most stressful, if not, the most bizarre experiences in my life.


Let’s start with the accident, which a few people have known about, but not everyone understands the implication that it has done to my life. The details are of course interesting, “What kind of accident?” “Were you okay?” “How did it happen?”, but let’s just stop at those questions. All I can say that it was bizarre, and of course I was partially at fault, although in my defence, I can say that it was probably “the car’s fault” too. Or the weather. But it does not matter, because the purpose of this blog is not finding someone or something to blame, but to reflect what it has done to my self, or my life. 


First, I must say, that I learned a lot more about cars after the accident. To appeal with the car rental company as well as for my own sanity, which I will come back later to address the latter. Let’s talk about the car first. I learned that the car has been recalled for “ABS system might cause fire.” or something like that. How did I know that? From the UK government system, which I must say is really comprehensive and convenient. Which comes to my second thing that I learn about UK.


Second, I learned a little bit about UK consumer rights and how it tried to protect its citizens. Which kind of makes me wonder, “what would have happened if I had this accident in Indonesia?” I am not saying that Indonesia does not have that, but perhaps, Indonesia does not yet provide the kind of help that I received for my problems. 


Third, law abiding citizens or individualism? To be fair, I am not sure. I had to stand up for two hours- or more, or less, I am not sure -outside in 0 or minus something degree, in celcius of course. A few people stopped, but none stayed. To be fair, it was in the middle of no where, with almost none reception (luckily, O2 got signal over there, which was quite surprising, given that in London I could experience “page error” while opening a website). Which made me really question, “what would have happened in Indonesia?” I did not want to compare, but surely the purpose of experiences is to make you learn about the “pattern” so you could “avoid” the same mistake, or relive the experience again, depending on how you feel about that experience. So, what would have happened? It’s just a speculation, of course, but I think, Indonesians would have offered to fix the car. But is it safe to do that? Again, I am not sure what would have happened in Indonesia. Luckily, the car was drivable. So, back to the first sentence of this paragraph, are UK citizens law-abiding or just individualists? Again, I am not sure. But it is something to ponder about in the shower. 


Fourth, I really learned a lot about people and friendship during my hardest time. I lost friends but also gained some new friendships, which I hope, would last beyond my time at LSHTM. 


Fifth, the full-blown depression and anxiety. Which is the main “course” of this blog, hence the title. But I am going to continue this blog next time. 

Saturday, December 3, 2016

Another Side of Dutch - Exchange report

The sentiment we have towards Netherlands is not a pleasure feeling. We tend to reminisce the Dutch as “the colonialist”. History books potray them as evil villains that invaded us, colonized us for 3,5 centuries, forced us to work by implementing Cultuurstelsel and they still tried to takeover Indonesia after we proclaimed our Independence.

But, is that all about them?

Let’s put aside the historical knowledge that imprints us any discontent nostalgia and step back to see where they are now. Netherlands is ninth best country to live, according to Forbes, and is one of a few countries that have best healthcare in the world. After the health reform in 2016, everyone is obliged to have medical insurance provided by multiple private insurers. This ensures the universal health coverage to all people.

Netherlands is also home of some of the best universities in the world. University of Amsterdam, Erasmus Unviersity Rotterdam, and University of Groningen, to name a few. And this october, I was lucky to be given a chance to experience a clerkship in University of Groningen - university that raised Bernard L. Feringa, one of this year chemistry nobel winners – in department of my interest, Anesthesiology.

My time in Groningen taught me that Anesthesiology is an art to put people at ease with the most efficient way by paying attention to the patients’ well-being. It may sound simple, but there is more to that than meets the eye. Anesthesiology is not a template, which you give the same dosage of anesthestics to all of the patients. Anesthesiology is not the act of God by controlling the patients’ life and death. It’s an art, to find the harmony between what is needed and demanded by the patients and the surgeons.

During my 4 weeks of clerkship, I learned that the patients’ comfort and safety should always be the main priority. To ensure those achieved, they have everything disposable - even the laryngoscope blade and the cauter - and latex free. The patients are put in a very comfortable position and they also protect every pressure point so the patients don’t feel stiff and pain from maintaining abnormal posture during the surgery. They dont even start preparing the surgery instruments before the patients are put into sleep, or patients’ view are blocked during local or regional anesthesia to prevent unnecessary nervousness felt by the patients.

And by no means abandoning your own. My supervisor told me, “Always wear gloves when you touch the patients. They help to prevent diseases transmitted between you and the patients. And wear the mask, even just for waking up the patients. It protects you from them coughing on your face.” It’s always better to be safe than sorry.

The Dutch themselves are good people, if not the best people you hope to work with. I was often greeted by ‘Hi’, ‘Goede morgen’ or ‘Goede dag’ depending the time of the day, a habit that we dont often see anymore in the big cities in Indonesia. The staff were also very helpful during my stay. They taught me and answered to my questions without making me feeling inferior. But their friendliness is entirely professional. They wont interact with you beyond the necessary.

They are also tolerant. I was taken aback by their perfect english, the proof of their tolerance to the non-dutch speaking people. And their tolerance doesn’t stop there, they even take care of each other during the operation. I was surprised to find my self reminded by the staff to take a break or to have lunch. One time, my supervisor even ordered me to ‘drink something’ because i refused to get out of OR (not the usual order you will hear in Indonesia).

Another thing I noticed was, the Dutch love orderliness (to the point that makes me think that all people here are somewhat obsessive compulsive). There is a need to have rules for everything, an urge to organize things in a way (that’s how we got our complex bureaucracy system), a desire to have routinity. The day starts with morning report that takes place at 7.30 in the Dormitorium and the operation ends at 16.00. If an OR finishes the operations earlier than expected, operation from another OR will be taken over. And if it continues past the office hour? Don’t worry. There are evening shift staff that will replace you.

Although they like to classify things, there wasn’t a marked hierarchy i encountered. Everybody is the same. We wear the same white coat, the same green or white suits. You really cant tell which are professors, doctors, nurses, residents, or co-assistants without the pass card. Even the pass card doesnt tell much about someone, it only provides the name – without the title - of a person and their profession. They dont have a boss, but a leader. The nurses can even make decision. I often saw nurses administering medication without the presence or approval of anesthesiologists.

But it doesnt mean i didn’t face any discrimination. I did feel i was treated differently, largely due to my inability to speak dutch (which i didn’t blame them for it. It was my fault not to learn it. Maybe if i could speak a little bit Dutch, we would’ve easily engaged in a discussion that would’ve made them trust me more, which would’ve lead to them letting me practice more. Language is power). But it was only minor, so it could be ignored. Nevertheless, it was still a remarkable learning process to experience both knowledge and cultural exchange. This program has also convinced me to take the path of anesthesiologist as my future career choice.


Did I enjoy my time in Groningen? Yes, so much. Groningen is a beautiful place with cycling as the main transportation. The centrum is not big and easily accessible by all transportations. There are so many places to visit that i haven’t discovered all of them. And if people ask me whether i miss it, I’ll say yes, i do, very much. I’d like to feel again the cold breeze slapping my face, the numbness on my fingers while i cycle around the city of Groningen, a place where i felt at home while away from home.

Pesan

Dalam hidup, ada dua hal yang harus kita pertimbangkan. Nasib dan usaha. Dan sebagian besar hidup diatur oleh nasib. Kadang kita merasa sudah berusaha keras, tapi nasib berkata lain. Atau sebaliknya.

Ada hal yang kusesali dalam hidup ini, yaitu usaha. Aku tidak benci kepada takdirku. Menurutku, Tuhan mencipta menurut kadar masing-masing. Ada orang yang emang dilahirkan besar tanpa berusaha, ada orang yang dilahirkan kecil atau sederhana tapi bisa menjadi besar juga dengan usaha. Hakikatnya, yang besar membantu yang kecil. Tapi hakikat bukanlah realita. Yang besar dari lahir, karena tidak pernah berusaha tidak tahu rasanya berbuat besar. Sebaliknya yang kecil, karna selalu berusaha, akhirnya lama-lama menjadi orang besar juga, bahkan lebih besar daripada orang yang besar dari kecil. Intinya, tuhan itu menurutku adil.

Tidak selamanya takdir mengatur kita. Ada kalanya usaha kita mengatur takdir. Mungkin kita dilahirkan dengan nasib jelek, tapi karna kita berusaha akhirnya menjadi bagus. Walau begitu, tetap banyak orang yang menyalahkan nasib. Karena nasib memang tidak gampang diubah. Butuh usaha keras untuk melakukannya.

Dan itulah yang kusesali. Aku telat menyadarinya. Seumur hidupku, usaha yang kuberikan selalu setengah-setengah. Karena menurutku, untuk apa melakukan lebih jika hidup kita bergantung dari nasib yang diberikan tuhan? Hanya membuang-buang tenaga.

Aku menghabiskan seluruh hidupku dengan melakukan hal yang setengah-setengah. Akhirnya aku pun hidup pas-pasan. Aku tetap bersyukur. Walau kerap aku menyalahkan takdirku, aku tetap bersyukur karena aku tidak kekurangan.


Kini dipenghujung hidupku, penyesalanku datang terlambat. Kini yang bisa kulakukan hanya melanjutkan hidupku, menghabiskan waktu hingga akhir datang menjemput. Jika ada kehidupan kedua atau ketiga, aku tidak harap untuk mendapat nasib baik. Namun, aku berharap aku mengingat kesalahanku yang sekarang dan merubahnya. 

Friday, November 25, 2016

Dalam renungan yang berulang, hidup dalam kenangan

Tadi malam aku memimpikannya. Kali pertama dia merasuk ke dalam tidurku, walau hampir tiap hari aku memikirkannya, merindukan keberadaannya.

Tapi mimpi itu aneh. Kau datang menemuiku, tapi kau bilang kau ada tugas. Lalu kau pergi lagi setelah berpamitan. Kau berjanji akan menemuiku lagi jika waktunya ada.

Sekian waktu berlalu, dia tak kunjung datang. Walau dia tetap memberi kabar, yang kuinginkan adalah hadirnya disampingku. Aku memutuskan untuk membezuknya.

Kau bilang kau senang. Kau katakan akan menungguku di stasiun. Tapi yang kutemui hanya supir. Ya, kau sibuk dan aku akan diantar ke tempat tinggalmu. Seperti zaman dulu saja.

Lalu semua mulai kabur. Mimpi itu hilang. Tidak ada lagi dia dengan senyumnya. Tapi yang paling kusuka adalah matanya. Besar dan berbinar. Membuat orang, setidaknya diriku merasa diterima.

Bahkan dimimpi pun aku tidak bisa bertemu lagi dengan kau. Kau dan sikapmu yang manis. Membuatku senang. Mungkin memang seperti ini jalannya.

Tidak perlu kuyakinkan diriku itu hanya mimpi. Karna kita bahkan tidak saling sapa. Cuma aku yang begini. Dia merasapun tidak. Tapi aku harap dia bahagia disana.

Lepas kekang, hidup tenang, lupakan sejenak dan nikmati hidupmu. Kau berhak.

Malam sebelum larut, Klaten - 25/11/2016

Wednesday, November 2, 2016

Jurnal Gadis yang Tersesat - Last Day

Farewell always hurts
Like broken hearts
Ending their time

Its the end of journey
Bidding good byes
To people and the stay stills

It's time to split ways
To continue the life left behind
And face back reality

It was a pleasure to meet you
Getting on my days to see you
Laughing my ways to be with you

We've bidden our farewells
You and me, hand to hand
A perfect ending

I dont wish to meet you
Not the same twice
But hope to see you again, one day

Groningen, i'm going to miss you
You
And everything in it

From Groningen with Love - home away from home - on my way back to place like home
2/11/16 - 11:16 am

Sunday, October 2, 2016

Jurnal Gadis yang Tersesat - day of arrival

Finally! After 13 hours flight (with 7 hours spent by sleeping, 2.5 by watching running man, and 3.5 by eating) i arrived in amsterdam. The flight was enjoyable, i sat beside a woman from den haag (or the haag). She said she was having a holiday in Indonesia.

The first thing that i noticed, people were super tall.  I was like a dwarf. And all of them spoke very good english. I would have no problem!

I was afraid i would be banned or discriminated because i wore hijab, but i wasnt. The officer was nice. He asked me the standard questions, like what i did in netherlands, for how long, and what i studied, and asked me to show my invitation and recommendation letter and that was all.

The airport was really big. It had 30 luggage belt with one belt was as big as my campus basketball field. They even had Victoria Secret store outside the terminal.

I was picked up by a student of UMCG, the university i will do my exchange. To go to groningen, the only comfortable and close way was by train for 2 hours ride. The price was 26.7 € which wasnt cheap compared to Indonesia train with longer destination. Appearantly, there is discount card if you live in Netherlands. And if you are a student, you can even get a special price and discount. You can choose between gratis weekday ticket or gratis weekend ticket and outside that time, you get 40% off. And remind me, what was the benefit of being a student in Indonesia?

My pickup was really nice! She told me she had to ride on her bike at 5.15 in the morning, and then took a train for 2 hours in order to pick me up at 8.15. Wow. Me? I'd prefer my morning beauty sleep, thank you. She showed me where i could by sim card, (i had to spend 30 € for a sim card! With only 1 gb data plan and 15,5 € phone credit. I figured I wouldnt need the phone credit if I had Internet (and its Netherlands. They wouldnt have internet breakdown, would they?). I could just use whatsapp to call anyone. So i transfered my phone credit to my data plan. At this time, i miss Indonesia. (65.000 rupiah for 14 gb!) And water (seriously, a bottle of water 600 ml costs more than a card box of 1 L milk! 1.75 € and 0.99 €).

We chatted a little bit at the bus terminal and the train. She told me she just graduated from bachelor (or S.Ked in Indonesia). So she still had 3 years more of study which consisted of, 2 years clinical rotation and a half year research, and another half a year to do pre-residential thing (she could choose any department she wanted at anywhere in the world to deepen her knowledge about her department of interest. Things like that). Ah, how convenient!

When i stepped out of the train, the cold wind slapped my face. It was 7 celcius and a little bit raining. But i kinda like the cold though. It was refreshing. From groningen station to my housing, i have 2 choices, either by bus or a cab. She suggested i should take a cab, but i told her i wanted to try the bus. She worried i would miss my stop and i had to walk for hours ( she didnt come with me). Being a stubborn i prefered bus with all the risks.

The driver was nice. He asked me where i live,  and told me where the stop. He would even remind me if the bus reached my stop (he spoke a very good english)

Here in Netherlands (not just Netherlands i think), pedestrian has a right of way, meaning they are the king of the street. All vehicles (bicycles, motorcycles, cars and even the busses!) have to stop whenever they spot a pedestrian trying to cross the road. And being my first time seeing this, i compared it to Indonesia, our reaction to pedestrians (yes, i'm also the guilty part) would be "this is no road for weakling like you". Haha

I live in kajuit (its pronounced as Kayāt) so from Groningen station I had to take bus at platform J, bus number 3 and stop at Lewenborg terminal. Now finding the number was the problem and google maps didnt help either. Thank god, i aggreed to  buy a sim card. I called my house owner, and she picked me up. Appearantly, i just missed one block.

My landlady was having a meeting (its "pengajian") so we didnt chat much at first. After all people gone, i talked to her and her family. She had been here fpr 2 years to take master at RuG and her husband worked in Netherlands (i forget the name of the company). She had a cute 3 year old daughter. She just went back from hajji, and her mother and aunt are here to visit her. And her mother is from West Sumatera!

I cycled a bit around my neighbourhood in the afternoon, but it rained so i went home, ate my dinner and laid down for a while. Before i knew, the night has changed to morning

Monday, September 19, 2016

Tekad - Metamorfosis (Franz Kafka)

Franz Kafka - Metamorfosis

Jika saja, keluar dari kesedihan segampang ini, hanya dengan tekad dan keberanian untuk memperbaiki diri. Jika saja, dengan memanggil teman-teman dan membiarkan mereka bersuka ria dan mengoceh mengenai kegembiraan atau kemarahan mereka. Bukankah semua itu akan lebih mudah? Tidak akan ada yang namanya "pesakitan jiwa". Hanya pikiran-pikiran kusut dan hati yang perlu ditata. Namun, bukankah itu malah membuat keadaan lebih buruk? Bagaimanapun, menikmati rasa sedih itu sendiri merupakan suatu proses agar bisa bergerak maju melupakan yang sudah-sudah. Hanya masalah waktu yang bisa menghapus kenangan, hingga terasa siap menyongsong hari yang lebih cerah.

Sunday, September 18, 2016

Ignorance is a bliss

When i was a kid, I used to like riding my bike in the afternoon. I liked feeling the cold wind hitting on my face, causing friction against my body as i pedalled faster and faster while looking at the blue sky, wondering how i could win against the cloud. And if i got exhausted, i would stop and looked at the sky, wondering how i could reach it. Then i would race to the highest place i could find, stacked blocks of stone to make my self a safe standing place without injuring my body and raised my hands trying to touch the fluffy clouds. Then, I would be curious why the sky went higher, and wonder whether the sky was mad at me for trying to do that. But it didnt stop me. I pondered what went wrong, and came to conclusion that i should become taller or go to the end of the world and see my self if there was any sort of bridge that connected this world and the sky. I couldnt get taller anytime soon, i had to wait years for that, so at that time i thought my only choice was the latter. I would go to the farthest place i knew, but i always got scared if i couldnt find a way home. Then i would come home while feeling disappointed from failing a mission, and decided myself i should try again tomorrow and travel further than i could today.

Whenever i talked to myself, i used to wonder if other people did it too. "Do they also talk like this to themselves or is it only me talking like this?" But i never once spoke to anyone about this. I guess i was afraid to be called lunatic if i were the only person who had conversation with their own mind. So everytime this question came into my mind, i always shrugged it off, and told my self that i would know the answer eventually, perhaps when i got older.

There were times when i was really curious about my existence. My favourite concern was "how do i know if i'm talking to myself?" I always asked how i could prove that my mind is mine, how i could know that it was not someone else's mind who got stuck in my body and whether i was talking to my mind, and not to someone else's. What was the purpose of thinking to your ownself, was it to prove your own existence to your own mind? Or stuff like that. And everytime i had this trail of thought, there wasnt any respond or direct answer about my inquiries, so i knew right away that i was talking to myself, the question that popped up in my thought was from my very own mind, and i talked to myself to prove that i was the owner of this body and mind.

But the question didnt stop there. I wanted to know if i could do it in someone else's body. Whether it was possible to enter someone else's body and live their life. Whether we could do soul or body swap or whether we could transplant mind and soul just like how we transplant an organ. These questions led to another, like how we were chosen to be put into this body and live this life. Whether there were any criteria to be born, like how we ended up being a girl or a boy, or the race and nationality and whether we were given choices what life and body we wanted before we were coming into life, that sort of thing. And i thought it would be unfair to just have one life. I mean, what if someone was born with dissability, or into a poor family? Everyone should be able to experience the ups and downs of life.

I didnt try to find the answer. Maybe because part of me knows what it was, and part of me wanted to be blinded. But it was always nice thinking about it. I would play the game, "if i were". My favourite was  becoming an incredibly rich person so i could build shelter to every poor and dissable person on the planet and give them education so that they could live the life they wanted. And i always wondered whether other people thought the same way as i did and how it would be nice if we did, so we could make this place a better place and all people would be equally happy to accept any life they were assigned to.

At that time, i thought if i wanted to know the answers to all my questions then i should grow up. I realized i was still young, and adults would only answer it in an easy way. Even if they told me the truth, my mind wouldnt be able to comprehend it, so i hoped my ten-years-later would understand. I didnt really want to grow up though. I realized the responsibility that comes with older age was a pain in the ***, and i would love to forever avoid it.

And now in my 21-soon-to-be-22 years old mind, looking back at my 16-or-so-years-old younger me, i wish i could turn back the time, and stay kids forever. I miss my innocence and ignorance. Worrying nothing, wondering things i shouldnt have. I really want to turn back to the time when imagination was a hope, not just another daydreaming.

Thursday, September 15, 2016

Under the blanket

I'm hiding under the blanket
To protect myself from the monsters
All around me, they are in many forms
But can it protect me from the monster inside?

The void i'm living
The nought that surrounds me
The hollow i'm currently reside
Can the blanket fill it with its presence?

The emptiness takes form
Trying to fill the blank with its substance
Like a gravity, it attracts the space
Can the blanket contain it?

The emptiness keeps growing
Like the air, it doesnt hold a shape
Like the air, you keep breathing in
Can the blanket substitute it?

The emptiness gains more power
Like poisonous gas, it strangles you
Cutting loose the force within you
Can the blanket prevent it?

The emptiness takes control
Over your mind echo, over your voice sound
Like a toy it makes you, you become paralyzed
Can the blanket save you?

Now the emptiness has a figure
Holding you hostage like a robot
It takes after you, gaining access of you
The seed is planted becoming you

I'm hiding under the blanket
Over the fear of the monster inside
But can the blanket fill in
The emptiness it has caused?


Thursday, February 26, 2015

Skripsi - Pendadaran

Karena pendadaran cuma sekali

Oke, sebelum aku melanjutkan postingan ini, aku cuma mau bilang kalo pendadaranku udah lewat lamaaaaaaaa bangeeeeeeeeeeeet, yaitu tanggal 31 Oktober 2014. So, this is super duper #latepost (klasiknya Zelin, ga ada deadline, ya ga digarap -_-“)

Ada cerita dibalik pendadaran ini. Alkisah kita sudah mengumpulkan dan mengolah data, namun ternyata data yang kami ambil itu tidak sesuai dengan harapan dosen pembimbing. Padahal pendadaran cuma tinggal dua minggu lagi (ga bisa diundur, karena bulan november dosennya pada sibuk ngadain acara internasional di Bali, kalo mau di undur, pendadarannya jadi bulan Desember, #nahlo?)

Karena kita (mereka bukan aku) masih kebelet pendadaran bulan Oktober, alhasil kita harus mengambil data yang berjumlah 67000-an itu secara MANUAL (bukan elektronik, karena database UPTD Sardjito masih mengalami peralihan dari sistem yang lama, jadi datanya berserakan dimana-mana). Belum lagi kita harus menyamakan data yang diambil dari banyak database (data yang mendonor, data pribadi pendonor, data hasil skrining) secara MANUAL (dibantu software sih, tapi tetep aja habis itu mesti dicek lagi secara MANUAL.

Kenapa aku membesarkan kata MANUAL, karena seharusnya hal ini bisa lebih dilakukan jika saja semua data sudah terkumpul dalam satu database. Tapi ya sudahlah, kalo ga begini kan bikin skripsinya ga greget :3 (tapi semoga kedepannya database Sardjito lebih rapi ya). Tidur Cuma 3 jam semalam setiap hari selama dua minggu hingga waktu pendadaran. Habis pendadaran masih ada jadwal kuliah. Belum lagi habis itu masih harus belajar buat ujian blok 4.2 yang berlangsung minggu depannya. Hidup itu emang sulit kawan! 

Ini foto-foto aku waktu pendadaran. Terima kasih semua sahabat-sahabatku yang telah datang walau kalian tidak kuundang dan malah kuminta ga usah dateng (bukan apa-apa, tapi kupikir tidak ada gunanya,  mungkin aku saja yang tidak sentimental. Seperti yang kalian katakan, pendadaran itu cuma sekali, maka daripada itu harus dikenang). Terima kasih yang sudah memberikan aku bunga dan boneka JoJombie-nya. Maafkan aku yang ga bisa membalas kehadiran kalian dengan datang ke pendadaran kalian ya. Selamat buat kita semua yang sudah menjadi S.Ked! (dan semangat buat yang masih berkutat dengan skripsi. Ingat semua itu akan segera berakhir).

Liat mukaku aneh banget. Ketakutan diciumin cewe-cewe srigala.

Makasih atas surprisenya <3

Finally, ada gelar dinamaku. Manzilina Mudia, S.Ked

Tuesday, December 16, 2014

No title

There are two reasons i love motorcycles than car 

First, i cant drive. Really, i’ve learned long enough but i still cant drive

Second, it’s faster

Ok, 3 reasons, the last is the adrenalin rush. Especially when you are in hurry, the traffic is heavy, and you have to ride it with speed 60 km/h or more, it’s just beyond words. Your body is in fight or flight mode. Your heart pumps faster, your can hear your heartbeat, your muscle is tensed to act, your skeleton is ready to move, your blood travels faster, your eyes are wary of a small motion, your ears are alert of every sound, every nerve in your body is alive, you will never feel your brain more awakes. And when the wind friction against your skin you now you feel alive. 

I wish i can go around the world with motorcycles. 

Friday, December 12, 2014

Growing up

When we are young (I’m not saying that I’m old. Let’s just assume that I was older than I’m right now), we have this perfect ideal world that we create in our mind. We imagine how the world should operate, we picture how our lives should be a few years from now. We have expectation of how we are, what we are, or who we aren when we are older. We believe in those imagination so much that it becomes not merely a daydream, it becomes hope, pray, desire. Sometimes, it can become more powerful than any of that. It becomes a belief, conviction, faith. With imagination as the foundation, and  belief as the pillar, we built our life based on the imagination, and plan our action around that pillar. We are just so idealist we refuse to acknowledge other factors outside those circles. We gloss over things that can ruin our imagination, that can destroy our hope. We have envisioned our future and we forget the indisputable facts, the undeniable reality that is happening around us. There is only one passion in our mind, to develop that imagination into reality.

But as we grow older, we finally see those things that we used to refuse to see. We finally acknowledge there are some factors that we cant control, that can destroy the foundation and the pillar that we have build. We lose our grip to our belief. We will doubt everything and not know what to believe. We realize that reality doesnt always follow what we have envisioned. We become so disappointed that we reject to form any imagination that comes into our mind. We lose our ideals and morals. We turn into a bitter, cynical human being. We no longer hope of better future. Our pray no longer consists of building a future,  but only a chance to survive. That’s when we spend our days merely to go through them, not to live them.


Tuesday, December 9, 2014

One Last Day : Part 1


Hi, it's been a long time since my last writing. I created this story while I was going to a beach last Sunday. I hope I havent lost my touch. Enjoy :)


We were sitting by the beach, enjoying the moment. The wind brought vaporized water slapping our faces as it passed by. The wave, encouraged by the wind, struggled each other, racing to the shore. The white sand felt soft beneath us. The sun was still on the horizon, but slowly it went west soon to set. There was a fishing boats far away in the sea. The white clouds made funny forms on the sky. It seemed like the weather would be fine tonight. 

We had been sitting for almost an hour and didnt say a word. The silence was almost unbearable for me, but I didnt know how to break it. I just couldnt find any word to make a conversation. The wind blew stronger toward the sea, yet the waves got bigger instead of vanished.

“You know what I love the most about sea?” she asked, her eyes were still fixing on the view in front of us.

“What?” I looked at her. The wind blew her long hair, and the sun illuminated it. 

“The waves. They remind me of two people united as lovers. They walk by themselves at first, but at some point, some of them unite as one to form a bigger wave then they walk togther towards the end, “ she stared me in the eye and smiled.

“Do you know what I hate the most about sea?” she asked while staring at the distant.

“Yeah?”

“Guess it,” The sun looked really so beautiful.

“Rocks? Coral?” She shook her head on both answers.

“I give up.” The weather was getting more chill.

“You are not trying hard enough,” she gave the usual pucker mouth that would always made me laugh.

“It’s also the waves. Do you know why?”At the moment I understood what she stared all the time. It was the waves.

“Hmm?” I tried to figure out the reason, but I couldnt find one good enough.

“Because they reminded me of the journey of life. You see, at the beginning they are very small, then they grow bigger and taller till their highest peak, which is also indicating the beginning of their turning point. And slowly after that, magically they shrink, as if life is forcefully sucked out of them, smaller till they vanished into oblivion,” she paused. “That also happens to humans. We are born tiny, over they years we grow into adulthood, which is our peak time. After that, our strength declines as the time passes by. By the time of our death, if we die by natural cause, our strength depletes, back to the time we are born. Then we just disappear into oblivion, just like the waves.”

I didnt know what I was supposed to feel, but one thing for sure. I was scared, scared to find out where this conversation would be going.

“You know, what will I regret the most?” I couldnt think of an answer. All I could do is just stared blankly into the space. 

“Well, of course I’ll regret not being able to get married, having kids, grand kids, growing old. The kind of stuff that usually happens to normal people. But, what I’ll regret the most is that not knowing where this relationship will be going. I’ll die not knowing if you and me will ever be together, not knowing whether we...”

“Dont.......” I cut in before she finished her words, “Dont talk to me as if you know when you’re gonna die. Dont speak as if you’re gonna die tomorrow. Because you wont. Because your medication will eventually work out, maybe not good enough to cure you but good enough to keep you healthy and live for another 10 years to witness the breakthrough of medicine that will cure you. I dont know where our relationship will take us, but I hope.. no, I can promise you that we will grow old together, and I’ll always try to be there for you, and maybe you will even die later than me.”

Her eyes opened wide, staring directly into my eyes. I know she was surprised, because even I was surprised how emotional I was. She smiled, the smile that she used when I had done something silly. “You know what I dont regret?”

“Letting you into my life, and allowing my self open to you.” She leaned her body forward, drew her lips close to my ear, whispered, “Thank you,” and gave me a peck on the cheek.

“My my, look at you. Let’s wipe away those tears, shall we?” I didnt even realize I cried. 

“Ah, this wind gives me chill. Brrr,” she wrapped the coat tighter to her body.

“Do you want to go home?” I asked her while wrapping blanket around her.

“No, I want to see the sunset and the sky slowly turns into black. I want to see the stars and the moon. It’s supposed to be full moon tonight.”

“Yeah,” then we were in silence again. The sun slowly set, leaving the sky red color as if someone poured the red paint onto it.

“It’s beautiful, isn’t it? The sunset. But no matter how beautiful it is, it always gives me sorrow. Because I realize that a day is over again, and it means one day of my life in this world diminished.”

And like magic, suddenly the world went dark, as if someone turned off the light.

“That’s the moon and stars. You know, someday I want to learn about astronomy. I dont want to just enjoy the view, I want to learn them,” she went closer to me and put hear head on my shoulder and closed her eyes.

The moon shines so bright and there were many stars on the sky. I didnt know how long we sat like that in silence. I could feel her breath slowed and her heart beat weakened, then somehow I thought that she was dead. 

“Lola, are you asleep?” 

“Mmm,” her eyes still closed.

“Let’s go back. You must be exhausted,” I ran my fingers through her hair, only to realize how thin her hair was.

“Let me carry you,” I picked her up carefully, I could feel how fragile she was. She must have lost more than 20 pounds in the last few months.

Then we went back to my home, which wasnt far from the beach. I put her into her bed and looked at her figure one last time before I went to bed. Her skinny pale cheeks and the prominent cheekbones, her sunken, big eyes. Her small pale lips. Her tiny figure. She used to be so pretty, with beautiful rosy cheeks, stary brown eyes, full red lips. She was full of life. She was still so beautiful, but the disease had taken the life out of her.

Part 2 coming soon :)

Sunday, November 23, 2014

Miracle

Ok, about miracle. Read something then suddenly it just kicks me off.

I dont believe in miracle. Call me whatever you like, unbeliever, realist, rationalist. Ok, before you assume, I do believe in higher power, in my case, God. I do believe in him. I'm a muslim.

Well, i believe in real effort, pray, and luck. I do believe that God decides our fate, and God plays a big role in our life, that our prays to him will somehow help to determine our way, enhances our success, but It's not necessarily God creates miracle. Ok, what I meant by miracle is not about superstitious thing which there are propehts and their miracles. What I meant by miracle is every day miracle. Like, someone is suddenly awake from coma because of miracle. It's not. They are awake because its not their time yet to die. Or because the medication finally works or anything. Not because of some kind of miracle. Everything can be explained.

Please dont say miracle. Because if you believe in miracle, then you just got lazy because you will always think, "God will give me miracle. I just have to keep praying." And then you will not do the actual effort, the real actions that actually change the situations or improve things. If you say miracle, your mindset is stuck. Like if someone, for example, comes back from vegetative state after 2 years, you would only think that it's because of God's miracle. You dont want to try to figure out in why he actually  is alive again because you think it's God's will. You will always be wrapped in somekind of walls to understand more about this world. Ok, in easy word, you will be stupid

And miracle is different from luck. Luck is a coincidence. Luck is man made that is in your favour. Ok, example, you pass a difficult exam. It's not a miracle. It's because you study hard enough, or because you answer correctly, or because the examiner doesnt check your answers correctly or anything. There is always something that makes the event (cause and effect law). And, if the event doesnt favour us, we call it bad luck or unfortunate event. But miracle is different. It's in God's hand, it doesnt fulfill cause and effect law because it's God's will. 

It doesnt mean that I dont believe in power of God, or the power of pray. I do. God wants us to pray because he wants to know what we really want, what we really hope for, how much we want to get what we wants, how hard our effort is amd what we will do to get it. He wants to know if we are brave enough to actually get what we want. Ok, for example, you want a handphone (or anything works). You work for it. You get a job and get money. But if you dont say it to other people. What you want is just in your head. But because you say it, what you want becomes real. That you really want a handphone amd you are working to get it. The same goes with God. He knows that you want many things, but through pray, he wants to see which one you really wish to happen. 

In the end, please dont say miracle. It really gives me goosebump. 

Saturday, October 25, 2014

Silence of The Nights


Remember those days?
When we would wait all day
For the night came?

Remember those nights?
When we would talk all night long
Not knowing how to stop?

Remember those mornings?
When we would race to wake
To say morning first?

Remember those times?
When we were happy
Eventhough we were far apart?

I do, my dear, I do
But It was a long time ago!
Ages!

My dear, raise your head
Look at me in the eyes
Let me see whats in them

Tell me my dear, 
Do you still love me
In all the silences?

My dear, are you waiting for me?
Waiting for us to go back to where we left?
Waiting for us to start anew what we ended?

My dear, havent you got tired of waiting?
Havent you got bored? 
Havent you?

My dear, let me kiss you my dear
Let me hug you for one last time
Let me, my dear, let me

My dear, tell me
What should I do to make you go?
What should I do to make you forget?

My dear, go away
Be free, run away
Flutter your wings, fly away

My dearest friend, be free
Let the new love come to you
Tell me you will, my dear, yes you will

Let me kiss you one more time.
Good bye, my friend.
Good bye

Inspiration from Lady Chatterly's Lover and Madame Bovary

My friend, you are not Molly, and I'm not Irene, not anymore. 

Thursday, September 11, 2014

Observation : Intention

So, it's been a month or less i havent been writing anything on here. Reason? My laptop sucks. I cant type a full paragraph without running out of my patience because the keyboard just doesnt function properly. Yeah, I know I shouldn't have played games on here.

Ok, so because today I'm in one of my bad mood period (maybe because of PMS? God knows how much chocolate I ate today, or because of the exam coming soon, or it's because I get lack of sleep lately, or it's because of some unwanted small events happening since morning came, or it's because.. ok, i'm running out of causes. But for some reasons I'm not in my best self today. Don't worry, I wont kill anyone), and I get bored of studying, so I decided to write something on here.

So, a few months ago I've questioned my self about people deeds and their intentions, whether we can do something nice without any reason behind that attitude. And after observing people for sometime, questioning them (not directly of course, a little bit deceiving here and there) and analyzing the informations, finally I got my answer. The answer is no.

Let me explain this as clear and as short as I can.

We, humans, always need reasons to do something. Different person has different reason. And if we dont find any satisfying or useful reason, we're not gonna do that. For instance, eating. We eat because if we dont we're gonna die. Would we still eat if without eating we were not gonna die? (of course it's impossible, it'd ruin the point of living). I'm sure we wouldnt. Another example, buying a coat. We live at a place where there is no extreme weather, no winter, no zero degrees. So, we dont buy a coat because we dont need them. But, what if suddenly Indonesia got winter, or the temperature dropped down, what were we going to do? I'm sure all of us would race to the fashion stores to buy coats.

Well, just like I explain above, people need reasons, and the reasons become intentions and the intentions what drive us to do something. And according to that, I classify humans intentions to two categories :

1. The hypocrite or human intention. (Obvious)
Or as I call it, the people intention. It's the intention that we tell people about the reasons we do something. The reasons that, how I say this, we find humanity. The reasons that we serve for people. For example, we help someone because that person needs our help. Or, we help someone because if we dont, that person will be in trouble. Or, we help because that person is in poor situation. Or we help because that person deserves our help. But, remember, this kind of intention is always dishonest. 

2. The honest or private intention. (Hidden)
Or as I say it, private intention, the real intentions that we usually dont tell people. This intention brings reasons to your benefit. Either this reasons are right or wrong (of course, it's rethorical, there is no right or wrong if we talk about people or life. There is only grey), allowed or not, these reasons are selfish, egoistic, self-sufficiency. For instance, we help people because we want to feel better about ourselves, or we help because if we dont we're gonna feel guilty for not helping them. Or we help because we want people say that we are a nice person. Or we help because we want to avoid bad karma. We help because we hope God will give us good things in turn. Or the extreme reason, we help because we want to achieve something or get something from that person. Whatever the reason is, this is the true reason.

This is how it works. Every hypocrite reason always has the hidden reason. But every hidden reason doesnt have to have the obvious. Some people feel they need to tell the obvious reasons. Other people are not so concern about what people think about themselves, so they dont make up the obvious reason.

You may say that what I say is cynical, negative, but this is what I got from observation of people. I find it rare and unusual to find naive intention, helping other people just because they want or they can. If you dont agree, feel free to discuss it with me :) 

Tuesday, August 19, 2014

T.G.I.F


Wah, udah lama banget ya aku ga update blog ku. Sebulanan ada kali ya? Sebenarnya yang mau ditulis banyak, ide di otak tumpah ruah ga terbendung dengan kata-kata. Tapi, biasalah klasiknya Zelin. Banyak ide, tapi males merealisasikannya (baca : liburan. Males online di laptop. Ngetik di gadget capek, ngetiknya mesti sebelas jari. Padahal kan jari tanganku cuma sepuluh. Sekarang, mumpung lagi ngerjain tugas, aku ngupdate blogku). Ditambah dengan ujian OSCE, yang kalo boleh kubilang FAIL :( . Pelajaran buat OSCE Comprehensive, belajarnya jangan seminggu sebelumnya ya, Zelin (itupun seminggu masih ditambah dengan main-main.). HARUS sebulan sebelumnya, jadi bisa ngafal nama dan dosis obat dengan lebih baik dan bener ya. 

WARNING : LONG STORY

Lanjut, mumpung kita lagi blok Emergency, malem ini aku mau cerita pengalamanku hari Jumat kemarin ketika aku mendonor darah. Sebelumnya, mengenai riwayat kesehatanku. Aku, Alhamdulillah, tidak menderita kelainan kongenital (selain otak yang rada-rada), ga memiliki penyakit Non-Communicable Disease (penyakit yang bukan disebabkan oleh infeksi). Namun aku memiliki dyspepsia fungsional dan Irritable Bowel Syndrome yang krons (lebih dari 6 bulan, tidak ditemukan kelainan organic, sayangnya tidak disertai dengan penurun berat badan yang tidak dapat dijelaskan) dan tekanan darah rendah (pernah mencapai 90/50. Perawat yang ngukur aja sampai nanyain keadaanku). Sebelumnya aku udah pernah mendonor darah dan tidak ada masalah yang terjadi, jadi hari Jumat kemarin aku pede ingin mendonorkan darahku. Jika seandainya besok paginya aku masih lemes, aku bakalan minum kopi atau ngelakuin yang menegangkan biar tekanan darahku naik. 

Sebelumnya, aku mau bercerita sedikit tentang keinginanku untuk donor darah. Pertama dan terakhir kalinya aku donor darah, sebelum Jumat kemarin, adalah tanggal 25 Oktober 2013 (bukan. Aku ga punya memori yang bagus kok. Tanggalnya tercantum di kartu donornya, haha). Alasannya karna nadzar. Nah, seharusnya aku sudah boleh donor lagi sejak bulan Januari. Namun, karna daya tahan tubuhku terhadap berbagai jenis flu cukup buruk (tidak diizinkan donor ketika sedang mengalami infeksi, harus menunggu seminggu setelah hari infeksi terakhir untuk donor), ditambah fakta bahwa aku wanita (wanita yang sedang menstruasi ga boleh donor. Kalo mau donor, seminggu setelah hari menstruasi terakhir), kurang tidur (harus tidur cukup pada malam sebelum donor) dan liburan. Oh ya, jangan lupa ujian, akhirnya aku baru bisa mendonor hari Jumat kemarin. Alasan kali ini ga ada yang khusus, cuma kepingin aja. Taukan rasanya gimana tengah malem tiba-tiba pingin makan sushi atau pizza? (atau makanan favoritmu yang lain). Begitu rasanya, cuma kepingin (Aku mau sedikit promosi nih. Donor darah itu enak loh. Sehat. Kalo syarat-syaratmu tercukupi ga bakal bikin bahaya. Kamu bisa donor di PMI langsung atau di RS Sardjito. Saranku sih, di Sardjito aja. Jadi kalo kenapa-napa bisa langsung ditangani :3) Aku sudah menjaga agar tidak terkena flu, tidur yang cukup, makan yang sehat dan bergizi (walau susah), ga olahraga sih, tapi ya sudahlah. 

Malem sebelumnya aku merasa lemes. Jadi aku nanyain ke temenku. Gini kira-kira percakapannya.

Aku : “Pong, kok aku ngerasa moodku jelek ya? Eh, apa aku lemes ya? Rasanya pingin tidur selamanya ga bangun-bangun lagi.” Kan kita sering bingun bedain lemes atau depresi?

Pong : “Hahahaha. Jangan zel. Ga kok, moodmu ga jelek. Udah pernah yang lebih parah kok.”

Selanjutnya aku menganalisa lemesku. Aku ga punya alasan untuk depresi, jadi depresi dicoret. Tinggal lemes. Lalu aku mengukur tekanan darahku. Ternyata bener, 100/60. Hampir 100 lebih tepatnya. Padahal kita baru selesai makan besar. Namun, aku sudah bertekat hari Jumat itu aku harus donor darah. Ga tau ni badan bakal sehat sampai kapan, jadi mumpung lagi ga kena flu, ga lagi menstruasi, harus donor.

Ok, pagi itu aku bangun dengan perut lapar. Tiba-tiba ada ibu sate yang biasa lewat, teriak-teriak, “Sateee………….Satenya mbak………..Mas……Sate……..” Waktu masih menunjukkan pukul 7 pagi, dan ga tau anak kosan bakal bangun jam berapa. Akhirnya aku memutuskan makan sate itu. 

Sebelumnya aku sudah bercerita bahwa aku menderita dyspepsia fungsional dan Irritable Bowel Syndrome yang sudah sangat lama. Dan entah mengapa hari itu, kedua penyakitku memutuskan untuk kambuh. Aku diare dua kali setelah aku makan satenya (ataukah ini factor satenya? Namun, sebelumnya aku makan sate itu baik-baik aja. Apa aku lagi apes aja kali ya?). Setelah itu perutku merasa penuh yang tidak nyaman. Bukan karena satenya, tapi karena dyspepsianya. 

Pukul 11 temenku, Pongkapong (nama panggilan, bukan nama sebenarnya) ngajakin makan. Ga tau hitungannya sarapan atau makan siang, tapi mumpung aku terakhir makan jam 7, aku udah diare, dan aku mau donor, jadi aku memutuskan ikut dan makan lagi. Menunya kali ini soto banjar. Setelah makan, kita langsung ke Sardjito.

Sebelum donor, kita diharuskan mengisi checklist syarat-syarat donor.
  • Berumur lebih dari 17 tahun. Checked
  • Menstruasi terakhir lebih dari seminggu yang lalu. Checked.
  • Tidak menderita infeksi dalam seminggu terakhir. Checked.
  • Telah makan selama 30-60 menit terakhir. Checked.
  • Tidur cukup tadi malam. Checked.
  • Tidak menderita diare dalam seminggu terakhir. Ummm, ok, aku baru aja diare tadi pagi. Tapi kalo aku mencentang tidak, kira-kira aku bakal dilarang ga ya? Akhirnya aku memutuskan aku mengambil rute aman dengan mencentang iya. Checked.
Setelah tes awal lulus, ada tes kedua berupa golongan darah dan kadar Hb. Kadar Hbku 14 (wanita 12-16 gr/dl. Pria 14-18 gr/dl), jadi aku lulus. Selanjutnya masuk ke ruang donor darahnya. Mbak petugasnya ngecek tekanan darahku, dua kali, dengan muka terkejut. Beliau sih bilang tekanan darahku 110/70, tapi aku bisa ngerasain tekanan darahku. Cuma 100/50. Mungkin beliau ga mau kehilangan darah potensial? Hahaha.

Proses donor darahku yang sebelumnya cukup lama. Aku sampe bosan nungguin kantong darahnya ga penuh-penuh. 10 menitan lebih ada kali ya. Namun, yang kali ini cukup cepet, 5 menitan kurang. Mungkin faktor dari mbaknya memberi tekanan 40 mmHg pada cuffnya, atau emang yang seperti mbaknya bilang pembuluh darahku yang cukup besar, aku ga tau. Setelah donor aku bisa merasakan kepalaku ringan dan aku merasa pusing dan mual, mungkin karna darah yang diambil terlalu cepat sehingga tubuhku belum siap atau aku entah bagaimana mengonsumsi sesuatu yang membuat pembuluh darahku tidak dapat berkonstriksi secara maksimal. Lalu Aku minta kantong muntah ke mbaknya, takut-takut aku pingin muntah ntar ga terkejar ke WC. Kan kasian kalo sampe harus bersihin muntahku. Aku juga repot kalo mesti bersihin, belum lagi bajuku. Gimana caranya aku pulang ntar?

Dan bener. Aku muntah tiga kali. Muntahan pertama sedikit. Muntahan kedua cukup banyak. Sepertinya semua soto banjar yang kumakan keluar semua. Melayang sudah uang 15.000 (begini nih anak kosan. Semua pengeluaran dihitung, haha :3). Yang ketiga kalinya, sarapan sateku keluar juga (jangan tanya gimana aku tau). Melayang lagi 8000. Dan kalian tahu apa yang kupikirkan setelah muntah? Bagaimana aku harus mengeluarkan uang lagi untuk mengisi perutku yang kosong. 

Mbaknya merasa ga enak, temenku cemas, akunya takut. Takut mbaknya nginget aku trus aku ga boleh donor lagi. Kan sedih? :| 

Aku : “Pong, sarapanku keluar semua coba. Masa aku makan lagi.”

Pong : “Kamu nih, habis muntah malah mikir makan lagi.”

Aku : “Lah, trus mau diapain? Ditangisin juga udah keluar. Masa mau dimasukin lagi. Kan jijik.”

Pong : “Terserahmu lah Zel. Aku tadi hampir mau ikut donor, udah mau bilangin ke mbaknya ‘Mbak, saya mau donor juga’ tapi ngeliat kamu aku ga jadi. Tulah kamu, malah muntah. Kalo ga aku kan ikut donor.” 

Aku : “Ya udah sih donor aja. Anggap aja yang barusan terjadi tidak terjadi.”

Pong : “Ya kali gila. Kamu bisa bangun ga?”

Aku : ”Bentar ya Pong, aku baring bentar. Aku gemetaran coba, kayanya perfusi darahku ke jaringan terlalu sedikit nih. Kamu jadi donor ga?”

Pong : “Menurutmu? *sarkastik* Kalo aku donor trus aku ikut-ikut kaya kamu gimana? Ga ada yang ngurusin ntar.”

Aku : “Oh, iya bener juga. Ya udah tunggu bentar lagi ya. Kepalaku udah mendingan kok.”

Mbaknya bawain aku teh hangat yang aku minum ampe tinggal seperempat digelasnya. Yang aku heran dari mbaknya, tekanan darah dan denyut nadiku ga dihitung. Untungnya mbaknya baik, beliau masih bilang, “Jangan kapok donor ya mbak,” jadi aku ga protes. Lagian aku lebih takut mbaknya yang kapok nerima aku, mau donor atau bikin repot sih? Ok, setelah itu aku pulang. Aku tau temenku udah ngebet banget mau pulang. Karena ipadnya tinggal dikosan. Padahal udah kubilang pake ipadku. Ga ada koneksi internet sih. Tapi kan intinya ada yang bisa dimainin.

Nyampe parkiran, aku masih sempat-sempatnya berdebat siapa yang bawa motor. Bukan apa-apa, tapi yang dipake kan motorku. Dia biasanya bawa motor matic, motorku bebek. Jadi jelaskan kekhawatiranku? Kalo motorku kenapa-napa kan aku yang susah.

Setelah itu, kepalaku merasa ringan lagi. Rasanya mau tumbang gimana gitu. Aku bisa merasakan jantungku palpitasi (deg-degan. Kaya kamu mau ujian). Nafasku cepat dan pendek-pendek. Akhirnya karna ga kuat berdiri aku mencari tempat teduh dan baring. Kalo duduk aja ga cukup, yang bermasalah otakku, jadi otakku harus berada di posisi lebih rendah dari seluruh badanku agar perfusinya lancar. Entah kenapa aku ga kepikiran posisi sujud ya?

Pong : “Zel, gimana? Apa kamu mau ke IGD aja?”

Aku : “Iya pong. Ke IGD aja ya. Aku juga ga kuat duduk lama-lama.”

Bagi yang belum pernah ke Sardjito, aku akan memberikan gambaran singkat mengenai Sardjito. IGD berjarak sekitar 20 meter dari parkiran motor. Dan jalan ke IGD itu sangat tidak manusiawi. Jalannya curam menanjak. Kalo kata dosen tadi pagi, ga bakalan bisa diakses dengan becak. Semakin tukang becaknya berusaha, semakin bangun pasiennya. Nah ketika aku sudah melewati lapangan parkir dan melihat jalan yang harus kutempuh, entah kenapa kondisiku makin parah. Faktor psikologis kali ya. Pandanganku makin blur. Itu loh, kalo mau ngedit di line pake yang vintage. Ga tau sih kalo ngedit di tempat lain gimana. Lapang pandangku makin sempit. Inikah rasanya mau pingsan itu?

Akhirnya aku memutuskan ga kuat lagi dan mencari tempat untuk duduk. Kan kasian temenku kalo misalnya aku beneran pingsan. Pasti bakalan berat bopong aku ke IGD. Dan aku lebih khawatir dengan otakku. Batas waktu otak bertahan hidup tanpa perfusi jaringan cuma 8 menit, jadi aku harus melakukan sesuatu agar otakku mendapat pasokan darah dan oksigen yang baik. Yang bisa kulakukan hanya duduk. Temenku cemes dan bingung mesti ngapain dan tentu saja aku menarik perhatian orang banyak. Dari mas-mas tukang becak, tukang parkir, sampe ibu-ibu dan anaknya yang habis ditransfusi karena menderita leukemia. Dan pada saat itu aku bersyukur, bukan karena kondisiku yang lagi lemes, tapi karena aku menjadi seorang pendonor, bukan penerima donor. 

Mas tukang parkir menawarkan diri nganterin aku ke IGD naik motor tarik tiga dengan temenku, tapi aku udah ga kuat berdiri. Jadi aku minta tolong masnya bawain bed atau kursi roda. Untungnya ada kursi roda. Aku ga bisa bayangin kalo mesti tarik tiga. 

Nyampenya di IGD, aku dinilai oleh perawat. Baru kali ini aku menyaksikan triage secara langsung dengan aku yang jadi korban benerannya. Mungkin karna pasien yang ga banyak, aku cepet diperiksa dokter sementara temenku daftarin aku. Dan aku didiagnosis vertigo. Lucu sekali. 

Ok, disini aku mau bahas yang lebih klinis. Pertama, aku ga yakin aku bener-bener menderita vertigo. Maksudku, oke, aku merasa pusing, sedikit berputar dan mual, tapi aku baru saja mendonorkan darahku. Menurutku diagnosis yang lebih tepatnya syok perdarahan derajat I. Entahlah, mungkin ada pertimbangan lain yang aku gagal paham dan belum mengerti. Setelah dibaringkan di bed, aku menunggu waktu yang sangat lama sebelum penanganan selanjutnya. Mungkin karna factor aku masih dalam kategori hijau karena masih dapat menjawab dengan baik dan benar, Glasgow Coma Scaleku 15 (sadar penuh). Selanjutnya tekanan darahku diukur, 100/60 dan nafasku cepat dan pendek, tangan dan kakiku dingin, sekujur tubuhku keluar keringat dingin. Aku berfikir aku akan mendapatkan infus, ternyata yang kudapatkan malah Oksigen 3L/menit minus infus. Oke, dalam prinsip gawat darurat kita harus lebih mengutamakan Airway (jalan nafas) dan Breathing (pernafasan), tapi setelah keduanya dikoreksi menurutku Circulationnya harus diperbaiki juga. Atau mungkin karna aku cuma kehilangan darah 350-400 ml sehingga aku dianggap tidak memerlukan prosedur invasif? Namun, setelah itu aku mendapat Ondansetron dan Diphenhydramine secara intravena. Maksudku, aku datang bukan karna pusing, tapi perasaan mau pingsanku. Yah oke, hypontesion orthostatic bisa menyebabkan vertigo, tapi tetap saja. Kenapa waktu itu aku ga diinfus? Someone tell me please?

Aku merasa kasihan pada temen yang menemaniku. Besoknya dia ulang tahun, namun hari ini dia harus terjebak dirumah sakit bersamaku gara-gara kekerasan kepalaku. Maksudku, coba aku menuruti kata hatiku ga usah donor, pasti ga terjadi hal begini. Ya sudahlah. Dan juga waktu itu aku belum punya kado buat dia (sekarang sih udah). Uda janji sih ma temenku yang lain buat nemenin beli kado, tapi dengan keadaanku yang begitu gimana caranya mau pergi? Mau duduk aja mikir-mikir, ini udah mau jalan-jalan. 

Sebenarnya kalo dipikir-pikir kejadian ini lucu. Mau donor, eh malah masuk IGD. Mau ngasih darah, eh malah keluar uang. Pake dikasih oksigen lagi. Kan jarang-jarang dapat pengalaman begini. Temenku masih sempet-sempetnya nakut-nakutin dengan bilang, “Zel, nanti kamu bisa kena infeksi nosocomial loh. Kan tabung oksigennya jorok, dipake bareng-bareng.” -_-“

Ok, jadi pengalaman merupakan pelajaran :

  • Ukur tekanan darah malam sebelumnya. Ga boleh kurang dari 110. Oke, korting 105 aja ya.
  • Kalo mau donor lagi, ajak temen. Jadi kalo kenapa-kenapa ada yang nolongin.
  • Mulai rajin olahraga lagi biar tekanan darahnya bisa naik.
  • Makan yang bener. Kurangi minum kopi.