‘Help ... Help me...’
‘Where are you? It’s ... it’s dark here...’
‘ I want to be someone for you. No, if you can’t see me as someone, I’ll be something for you. Something useful that will make you easy to get through problems. Would you let me be so?’
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The alarm woke me up, and the flashback was gone. Everything was back then. The bed where I slept, the closet in front of the bed, the table lamp beside the bed and the door knob that I held. I went downstairs and found her standing in the kitchen, the smell of pancake in the house.
“Hey, you already woke up?”
“Umm....” The water was poured in to the glass
“What are you planning today? It was a warm Sunday, a good day for outdoor.
I’d already drunk the water half way. “I don’t know,” and continued.
I slowly walked away. From the mirror I could see she took of the apron and sighed. And at the time, I knew, I had hurt her again.
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“We need to talk,” she was standing in front of me, waiting for my answer.
I hated the ‘we need to talk’ word. It sounded as if I’d done something wrong.
So, I didn’t move and it seemed she understood her fault.
“I mean, I want to talk to you.” The weather was so nice, warm with cloud and a bit windy. The air should've been fresh instead of heavy.
I looked the garden as if it would have been the last time for me to see it. The flowers, the butterflies, the cars on the street. Finally I stood up and followed her entering the house.
She sat on the dining chair in the dining room, and I took seat in front of her.
“I’m sorry,” that was the last word that I wanted to hear.
The silence grew thicker and heavier.
“What for?” I took cigarette pack from my shirt’s pocket and lighted one.
“For anything. Anything I’d done wrong to you.”
“You never do anything wrong,” I made round smoke. Like a labyrinth in my brain. I stared at it a while, waiting for it to disappear.
“Then tell me, why do you behave like this?” Her hands were clipped.
I twisted the cigarette, “It’s not you fault.”
She took the cigarette from my hands and quenched it. “You never look at my eyes while I’m talking to you.”
I stood up, and gazed at her eyes for ten seconds. The longest ten seconds that I’d never forget.
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“Are you coming home today?” said the speaker phone on my ears.
“I don’t think so. I have many jobs,” the sky was so blue, and the birds flew so cheerfully, in contrast of my heart.
“Ok,” and she closed the phone. By right now, my jobs were already finished, I had even finished the other co-worker’s jobs. The reason I didn’t want to go home, because I couldn’t find my house as my home. The office was my home. There, in my room, I could be my self, alone, doing my job.
I didn’t have anything to do so I took a stroll for a while. I took my coat, and longsighted the clock on my table. 17.30. I had much time.
There were no people in the office, the office hour is over. I talked to security to keep an eye out for my car. I went to the park, where I could see many couples sat together. I took a seat far away from anyone, and looked at sky. I inquired my self, why some people were happy, and some people were sad? Why one man’s pain was the other man’s pleasure? Why couldn’t just everyone be happy?
I heard a kid was crying alone, and suddenly his mom came, apologizing for letting him be alone. If I had had a child, I wouldn’t have ever made him cry. If only I could...
I went back to my office and drove my car to the nearest gas station from my house and walked to my house. I didn’t know why I did that, I just felt I had to. I didn’t knock on the door, I just stood out of it, and waited. I didn’t know what I waited for, maybe I waited my self to let me knock on the door, but I never did it. The tv was on, and the volume was a bit loud, but I still could hear that, the tears that I would never forget. The tears that I couldn’t sweep away. And at the time, I knew, It wouldn’t be the last time I hurt her.
I went back to the gas station, and turned on the car. And I knew, I would never leave that gas station for days.
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I hadn’t been back since that day, for five days. I went in the morning and came back in the morning, just to change clothes. But, I went back at that day, the last Saturday.
She was sleeping when I arrived. I shuffled and sat next to her. Watching her asleep made me want to touch her, rummage that silky hair. But I didn’t do that, I just sat there and watching her. All at once, she moved. I stood up, and wanted to go out, but suddenly she held my hand.
“Please, stay here,” I still stood up.
“Am I no one for you? Am I nothing for you?” the silence still.
“I love you,” I let go of her hands, and smooch her, right on her lips, the last thing that I could do to her.
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The reason I behaved like that, not because I didn’t love her, it was because I didn’t deserve her. Because I loved her so much, she was the one for me, and would always be the one.
The reason was because I suffered from Huntington’s disease, a genetic disease that affects muscle coordination and ability decline gradually. I knew it two months ago, after I married her for one month. My mom was died because of it, when she was only 27, when I was only 1 year old. So it was just like a bomb time for me.
When, it happened to me, I didn’t want her to see me, because I knew she would be hurt. That was also the reason why I didn’t want to touch her. I didn’t want us to have children, because they would be suffered from it, just like me. I didn’t want her to be hurt when she knew her children suffered from it. I didn’t want to see her tears in her beautiful eyes, because she had to lose her loves.
But, I didn’t want to divorce her, no, I wanted her to divorce me, that was why I behaved like that.
And I wish, I could have told her, but I knew, I would never be able to.
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“Your wife is in ICU now,” I rushed to the hospital where I could see she lied forever, she would never wake up.
I heard the story from the nurse, she died because she helped an old woman crossed the street. Even a moment before her die, she still helped people.
It shocked me. I always thought I would be the first to die, but then I saw her lying on bed, without moving, made me realize the reality didn’t always go on as you planned. I contacted funeral parlor to manage her funeral, a week from that day.
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“My deepest condolence for your wife,” someone shook my hands.
“Thanks,” I didn’t know him, or I thought so. Everything was so confusing.
“Don’t cry, she will be sad.”
“Cry?”
“Yes, sweep away that tears.”
I didn’t even realize I was crying. When I swept that tears away from my eyes, I knew, she had been and would always be someone for me.
